[10 Apr 2007|10:52pm] hi, i've got a new journal because this was never friends only, which is totally my fault, i know. but now i'd just like a journal that's friends only add me; cheaparcade 01 / lights out

[10 Apr 2007|04:46am] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | donell jones ] phone conversations are infact the worst things ever, especially when they mess with your head. the fact is, i don't know if it was intentional or not maybe i do realise what it was, but i just don't want to face upto that fact i suck, and i know this! it's nearly 5am and i'm not even tired, there's no one to talk to and i'm thinking too much. bad idea. 00 / lights out

[06 Apr 2007|10:58pm] [ music | kids in glass houses ] okay, it's nearly been two weeks since i last said how upbeat i was, how it's summer soon, that everything is going to be great, and i'm going to be positive. fuck that. i've tried, believe me! but so many things are really bringing me down, even though i said i was not going to let nothing get to me. it's such a hard thing to do, or it seems a hard thing to do, i don't know? i was going into stockport earlier today with my brother, and james. and it actually occured to me that stockport was and still is a big part of me, and full of so many memories. mainly from my college and college friends. it's also occured to me, that i've practically wasted my life. how i can turn this around now, i have no idea. i got really crappy gcse's and i didn't even pass college. i was completely messed up and confused and on a bender half the time. and now i'm seriously paying the price. i want to go to uni? to study what i have no fucking clue. if i get in, that's another thing. i have no chance. and if i did get in and failed.. then hey, atleast i tried, right? i miss; - college - rachel, ellen, emma, rebecca, jennifer - joe, jimmy, graham - AMU, you stilly bastard - going to the student's union every week - alison & martine, even though things got bitter - manchester on a saturday - shone solid - daniel and damian - not having a care in the world - not being annoyingly self concious and paranoid - matthew, duffy, toner, david and ryan - feeling comfortable - who i used to be. 03 / lights out

[06 Apr 2007|02:37am] [ music | enter shikari ] "don't go to sleep yet!" "why not? i'm tired" "aw, you just aren't hardcore enough" "so the person that stays awake till the early hours of the morning, doing fuck all is hardcore? yeah, get a life" he's probably true, but i'm not letting it get me down, no, no, no. i sent my cv off for this job earlier on today ( job description ) it'd be cool even just to get an interview. so you know! 010 / lights out

[03 Apr 2007|05:54pm] well, i think i've screwed things up. i'm always doing that. but i'm confused at where or wheather there was anything to screw up in the first place. i'll find out sooner or later maybe i should ask questions, even if i might not like the answer just a thought. 05 / lights out

[31 Mar 2007|01:42am] okay, so trip to leeds tomorrow! i'm actually looking forward to it. it's james's birthday and we're going to have fun, believe. he's gave up smoking, so dan and myself are gonna be really mean and just wave some cigarettes around in his face, like the legends we are. mike asked me to go to the student's union tonight, but i really couldn't be bothered. plus, i have this god awful toothache. and i really can't open my mouth, or talk. my wisdom teeth are coming through on the right hand side, and i've never been in so much pain in my life. i don't really have nothing else to say. i'm kinda annoyed at a few things, but that'll soon pass. it's all about positivity now! summer, summer, summer. floyd is immense! shame about the quality of the pictures. with my shitty phone camera, haha 01 / lights out

[25 Mar 2007|06:17pm] [ music | a static lullaby ] (my new wonderful necklace from oxfam!) i'm feeling more upbeat today, which is unsual. but i'm loving it! no signs of night time yet and it's six o'clock. longer days, yes! haha i'm actually really excited. i do like summer, and i will be taking lots of photos whether i like it or not. i might even make a special effort of going to oxfam early tomorrow. and i'll walk there instead of getting the bus. i'll make an effort with people i don't particularly like, i'm going to be more positive, i don't want things bringing me down, i'm going to update my ipod with amazing songs, i'm going to drink more water, i'm going to go to windermere sometime soon for the day and sit by the lake, i'll 'try' to make more friends and just really make more of an effort with people, i'm going to laugh in awkward silences instead of holding it back, i'm going to keep my room clean and tidy, i shall to listen to taking back sunday more than i do right now because they seriously make me so happy, i'm going to try to be a good godmother when lorna's baby arrives, i'm gonna try to be the best i can be, i'm going to have a good time because i think i deserve it 05 / lights out

[23 Mar 2007|12:57am] i just need to write. it's been too long. i haven't actually been at the computer properly for ages.. not like i'm additcted or anything and i 'need' to be at the computer. just that i'm used to having my own space, and being on my own, complaining about having no one here with me, but when the time arrives that i have someone here with me, i can't hack it. i don't know what's up with me, honestly. i'm so flipping fickle. amie must of stayed here for about 15 days out of 25 and if i'm honest, it's killing me. there's so much i can take you know? then there's mike coming round, probably abusing my good nature to some extent, but yeah i'm used to that. i miss the companionship in a relationship. i miss having someone to talk to, about anything and everything. i miss having decent conversations, not stupid re-occuring ones. the fact that amie and myself have probably spoke about the same things for 15 days is really annoying. oxfam actually keeps me going, sad as it may sound. but the fact that amie is there makes it hard to bare.. i love her to pieces, she's like a fucking sister. but hello? i need time to myself. i'm just too nice to say anything, that's the problem. thing that's bugging me, is a guy that i had a year relationship with has just moved away totally unexpectedly. i suppose it's a shock. i'll miss him, which is weird because last entry i was complaining that he should get over himself, but you know he's not so bad. we stayed friends, and i was going to see him on saturday, but obviously that's a no go-er. he did dump me and made me feel completely unwanted, but hey. no, wait. what the fuck is wrong with me? hello @ pushover. i was 'supposed' to be going out tomorrow night, that's a no no. i don't care really and why should i? pretend to enjoy myself, when really i'm hating every minute of it, joy. i want to see paul and tonia because they get it, they get me. i don't know what it is, but they just do. 31st of this month i'll get to see them, because it's james's birthday party. i love james too, mint. another thing is babies. what's with everyone having kids? i counted up how many people i know that are having kids, or that have just had kids. and i counted 9/10. most my age, or younger. maybe 2007 is the year for having kids. maybe i should jump on the bangwagon? someone impregnate me? cheers. this never comes out how i want it too. it's generally just a mish-match of words and sentences, oh well. anyway, to; angela, jackson rob and vincent. i love you four quite alot, and i'm so very sorry that i have been neglecting you. you all amaze me, and i love you all. please don't hate me, i really couldn't bare it yeah. the hope that you're all going to be there when i need you, or i need a decent conversation keeps me going, thankyou. 03 / lights out

[09 Mar 2007|06:28pm] does anyone else think being friends with ex's is a completely bad idea? i'm not going to go into much detail because it'll probably set me off on some mad tangent, but for christ sakes leave me alone. i don't want to hear that your new girlfriend hates you, or doesn't like you. if you didn't dump me in the first place for the silly little whore then you really wouldn't be having this problem right now. and for the other dumb bastard.. you don't want to die, wanting to actually kill yourself over something as petty as that, you just need a good fucking slap. i said i didn't want to go off on a tangent, but i just did. oh well like i care. bye! 01 / lights out

[08 Mar 2007|12:10am] [ mood | blank ] it's come to the point where i feel like i can't take feeling like this anymore, it's actually taking over my soul, or something. i've been sleeping about 2-3 hours a night, at the most if i'm lucky. i feel like a complete zombie. and i doubt getting drunk, and getting high will resolve any of this. it's like a part of me has malfunctioned and it needs reparing, how? i have no idea. i did think at one point that getting totally annihilated would be the answer to all my problems and that i would indeed forget everything that was going on, when infact it made it ten times worse, yet i kept doing it. i did stop for quite sometime, now i've jumped back straight into it, like it's some routine. don't ask me why, because i honestly don't know. i just don't understand anything at the minute. my head hurts, i know that for sure. that pain honestly takes over me. feels like i'm thinking too much (less of the blonde jokes). i don't get it.. this is not probably how i wanted all this to come out or sound, but i can't explain anything. and when i try it just comes out, all jumbled up, and it's seriously like "wtf?". i'm so tired right now, i might actually sleep. 00 / lights out

[03 Mar 2007|07:46pm] [ music | pendulum ] i'm confused as to what i'm feeling. but then again, i always am. i've been distant the past few days, but since my best friend wants to die and my brother is hearing voices in his head, on top of the things going on inside my head it's some complete mind fuck. amie has stayed from tuesday until today, and i do like her staying but sometimes i just can't cope with it. i can't cope with her mood swings. and they're bad, to some extent. everyone has mood swings though, right? but it's just like nothing i seem to do helps, even though how much i try or how much i want her to be fine, it just doesn't cut it. she wrote me some letter about how she felt because she couldn't say it to my face. and it was truely heartbreaking just to even know that you best friend feels like she wants to die. we had some big deep and meaningful and i really did open up to her about alot of things going on in my head, which in some ways sorta helped and it some ways it didn't. it's just hard to explain. my mother and my brother had some long chat about how he felt and she's taking him to the doctors sometime next week so he can talk to them, which is funny really. because when i was in college and i told my mum everything about what i was feeling, she completely dissowned me, yet told half my family i was some complete fuck up which crushed me. i've had so many miss-understandings this weekend, and i can't cope with anymore, i really can't. i can't be bothered with any arguments, i just want to chill out completely. i actually want to get away for a few days, but lack of money is an issuse. and i don't think i'd like going anywhere on my own, even though that seems to be the best option esther changed her mind, so the assistant manager position is a paid job. i didn't ask how much i would be getting as of yet. i'm going to do a months trial. see how things go, then if everything goes to plan, i'll have a new job i completely enjoy. go team. i'd like to apologise to people like ang, who i've neglected this week. you're amazing and i'm your friend, forever! 01 / lights out

[27 Feb 2007|12:25pm] [ music | scary kids scaring kids ] friday - monday, things seemed to work out in ways that i thought could never happen for me. i don't think i've always been a pessimist, but the last few years, i just thought things would never go right, either that or they wouldn't stay right/okay for too long. nine times out of ten, i was always right. but anyway, friday i decided to go back to oxfam, just because it gets me out of the house and i really enjoy doing the work there. i like the people, and it's just a nice chilled environment. you can work at your own pace, have a chat and a laugh, it's just good. i dragged my brother and amie along, they seemed to enjoy it so they put their names down for volunteers. amie was 'supposed' to come with me yesterday, but didn't answer any of my calls, so hm. dan is doing wednesday afternoons and saturday's. so, yesterday esther asked me to look at the notice on the door as you walk in the shop. so i did, and it said "assistant manager needed". so, she said i'd be really suitable for the job, i just need a little more training. so obviously i said yes, it's a really good oppurtunity. i wont get paid, but really i don't care. it's experience, which i can take with me. i'm actually really excited. i was just worried about people that had been there longer than i have, but she said i didn't need to worry. plus, i was walking the dog today. i decided to pop into the shop, and i bought the last ribena! coincidence? i don't think so ;) 00 / lights out

[22 Feb 2007|01:03pm] [ music | the used - lunacy fringe ] gosh, where do i start? i suppose i've had a few fun-filled days, which for me is a new experience. my daily routine mostly consists of waking up, getting dressed, cleaning the house, and walking the dog. i'd then come on msn out of pure desperation that some poor sap would talk to me, but that's always a no no. i'd then look for jobs, get refused jobs, thus leading to wallow in self pity, cry like an emofag, potter around my ever so small room, then probably listen to music. but on monday night, after watching the second part and the last in series of 'waking the dead'. there was a knock at the door, shock horror. could this be? someone knocking on the door at 10pm? my god no! - that's what my mum always thinks. or she asks "who could that be at this time?" - listen mum if i was actually psychic then i probably could tell you, but seen as i'm sat on the couch where you are, probably wondering the exact same thing, then i'm going to have no idea. anyway it turns out it was mike and steven, asking for me. i go to the door, mike is blatently pissed, steven was just being himself which in all fairness is a complete tosser. but i should give hom some credit, since he let me in his house and drink some of his beer. so anyway i got invited to steven's house, to some party that was going on. i didn't have any idea where steven lived, but it turns out he lives on the next road, everyone else seemed to know, but no one ever informs me of anything. when i did eventually get there, after washing my hair because it was actually stuck to my head, vicky answered the door. i stepped inside, chris pounced on me pretty much and hugged me to death, maz had areadly left with rick before i got there, which in all fairness i didn't exaclty mind since maz has become a bit of a bitch, or as angela said to me "she's got a face i could slap" - so true. we had to smoke outside in the back garden, and we were all talking about how it used to be. and i really miss those days, they were actually the best days of my life. now everyone's at uni, or moving house, or just loosing contact - danielle for example. ian looked like a hobbit, which is always good in my books, since we actually live in the shire, oh yes. after much talking, messing about, and convincing mike that drinking warm jack daniels that had been sat on the microwave since vicky had shoved some chicken kievs in there was a bad idea, mike and ian decided to get naked. or they wanted vagina's which i've forgot. so if you're a bit screamish, then don't click here! ( pictures ) we sang slipknot alot and i'm not ashamed! they played taking back sunday for me too, so that was good, oh yes. then metal mike (not mike). started singing panic! at the disco. so he isn't metal mike anymore, no. he's mike! at the disco or disco mike. i left at about 1/2am and didn't slip till about 5am. thus leading me to be really rough seeing my job centre advisor at 9am, but really i couldn't care less. after the job centre, i went to oxfam and asked or basically demanded i'd get a job, because looking at the same four wallas every single day is starting to get to me quite abit. esther said it'd be best if i come in on on saturdays, mondays and probably fridays, score. wednesday, mike came round he didn't have anywhere else to crash seen as vicky was supposedly in some sort of mood and he couldn't stay at steven's. so after him asking all his friends to stay at theirs he stayed here, i would of asked my parents earlier, but they don't really know him as much as they know other friends of mine, and my mum is kinda weird about that kinda thing, but in the end it was okay. i'd like to go to the student's union tomorrow, but i probably wont. i owe too much money to my mother, and i probably wouldn't enjoy going on my own. gutted. i watched never mind the buzzcocks last night, and was really excited because nicholas hoult was on it, yes! i did forget to mention that sharlie burymeinblackx and matthew came over on saturday, it was fun to see them and things, things happened that i wont mention, but all in all it was good yep. 05 / lights out

[16 Feb 2007|01:52pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | nothing, shock horror ] well, chris and his little sidekick whore-face can get to shit. words can't actually describe the immense rage i feel for him now, seriously he's a complete and utter cunt. and slagface can go away, 'thinking' and 'assuming' she 'supposedly knows' about 'my life'. (yeah, the comma's are cool). i love ang / roderigez. everyone has tried to cheer me up and i thank them for that, but nothing seems to be working. i know i shouldn't take any notice about bad mouthing, or slagging off. but god, it's really hard. especially since i hate myself already haha. to make matters worse, adam lazzara (aka god). has proposed to chauntelle dupree, from eisley on valentines day, yeah, so that's a complete kick in the teeth i think. also, i'd like to watch the rest of the taking back sunday dvd, i haven't watched all of it yet, in fear that it'll suck the life out of me and eat my soul, because the first half was just that good. so really, due to friends and tbs, i'm fine. i think! oh and add saveordelete it's a photography type journal. thanks! 010 / lights out

[11 Feb 2007|08:32pm] [ music | i'm watching the day after tomorrow! ] ( picture! ) i went into manchester today, with my brother. i wanted to go to see how much it'd cost to get my tattoos re-done, because well they're a bit faded now. anyway, so i booked an appointment for tomorrow, my brother is coming back with me. i saw adam on his lunch break, which was random. i forgot how small he is! maybe it's just because i'm tall haha. i saw mike, he said he'd come round but he hasn't. and i saw nathan with some of his friends at the bus-stop. and it was really weird because i was listening to backdoor beauty when i saw him.. (his old band!). nothing else has really happened, my life is generally this boring. i think i might go back to college, i just need to sort a few things out. and now i'm writing this during the adverts of 'the day after tomorrow' so, bye! ps; how is everyone? 04 / lights out

[08 Feb 2007|11:41am] [ mood | dorky ] [ music | brand new? :) ] tuesday was the brand new gig, and in all honestly it was just, oomf. the guy from mewithoutyou was actually scaring me, with his spazmatic dance moves, which looked like he was stuck in the body of kermit the frog, i shit you not. i did ring sharlie for january 1979, but she didn't asnwer, did you? no, you didn't, grr. they were crap anyway, not how i remembered them! it just proves how you can grow out of somethings, i suppose. supposedly, the other support band pulled out in the last minute. so we only had to listen to mewithoutyou drone on and on for about 40 minutes+ then at 9:15, brand new, yes! jesse came on, alone and did 'jude law and the semester abroad' acoustic, it was immense. everyone was singing haha, man. it was awesome. they must of played 3, maybe 4 off the 'your favourite weapon' album, practically ALL of the 'deja entendu' album, and most of 'the devil and god are raging inside me' album. so they were on for a good 2 hours+ but amie needed a wee, and we really needed to get home, but it was okay, because we could still hear them sing while we were in the toilet. THE ENCORE WAS 30 MINUTES LONG THOUGH! - that's when they sang most of the 'the devil and god..' amie was desperate for a wee, but i kept her in her seat, she was about to burst, i am so cruel. i rang vincent and sean, and they both sung along, so yes mate! while we were actually waiting for them to come on, the staff started selling some beverage type, food, thing. but i wasn't quite sure what it was. so i called it chip+dip, thinking it was like crisps and some sort of dipping sauce? amie thought it was ice cream and wafers? so we had some huge debate on it. then some guy bought about 9 chip+dips. so we called him chip+dip guy, because he was cool, oh yes. there was some guy infront of us that looked like mike, and got up and started to dance alot worse than they guy from mewithoutyou, and the security guard came over and proper shouted at him, so amie and i laughed, because it was immsensely funny, but i guess you had to be there. then we got told off, for smoking. i didn't even see the 'no smoking' signs. and the fact that the seats issue you with ashtrays, totally gives you the wrong impression. so fuck you manchester apollo and your no smoking policy, with your ashtrays -shakes fist- we got the 192 from the apollo, back into stockport, walked down through the centre to the taxi rank. it was completely dead, it was actually really weird. i miss stockport, and my college. and my friends from college! ( THE LOW FUEL LIGHTS BEEN ON FOR DAYS, IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. I'VE GOT ANOTHER 500 HUNDRED, 'NOTHER 500 HUNDRED MILES BEFORE WE SHUT THIS ENGINE DOWN, WE SHUT IT DOWN. ) 02 / lights out

[05 Feb 2007|11:01pm] [ music | tool ] so chris and i broke up, due to so many reasons. but all in all, i suppose it was a mutual decision. we're staying 'friends' but i'm actually finding it harder than expected. and it's actually weird that we talk more now. so it's pretty obvious it wasn't exactly meant to be. i just hope that he'll have more decency than matthew, and not go out with someone a week after our year relationship ended, wanker. i'll tell you something, i suck at relationships. people kinda pick up on certain imperfections straight away, and some people can't exactly handle it. but all my imperfections make me who i am, so i guess if you don't like who i am, you can fuck off, or something? i never used to think like that though, and probably saying that i've never been like that. i'd always given in and probably changed and changed to suit people, which is wrong. i know for a fact that i am a decent person, and i would do anything for the people i care about. and i even buy the big issue when i'm in manchester and i pay way more than i should, even if i have hardly any money for myself, damn the dole. it's like, people don't recognise the good things i do, or the good things about me, they just pin-point my imperfections straight away, and i don't understand why. anyway, on the up-side. brand new tomorrow, with amie? yes mate. it's going to be immense, i can feel it, haha. i can't even be arsed with the support bands, so i might as well get lashed in the pub before hand, but saying that, if that happens, i wont remember much of the show. bloody hell. oh, and; songs i can't stop listening to at the moment.. the gossip - standing in the way of control the view - same jeans taking back sunday - my blue heaven tool - sober scary kids scaring kids - a breath of sunshine deftones - change (in the house of flies) 05 / lights out

[03 Feb 2007|01:49am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | joy division ] i haven't updated in a long time, maybe it's just a case of i couldn't be exactly bothered. i guess i've been caught up in alot of mess to actually give any thought on anything. last night amie and i sang and danced along to the grease sing-a-long. it was really cool, but then we were tired because it was 4oclock in the morning, time does fly. amie has actually stayed all week, which has been good for me, and good for her for totally different reasons. good for me because i missed her like mad, good for her because she could get away from her sister and her sister's fiancé. so i highly doubt she even missed me? oh well. either dan or amie are coming to see brand new with me on tuesday, because chris.. what can i say about chris? he's just being off with me, i don't know. maybe it's me. whatever i can't even be bothered saying anything else, it's been an okay week, but it had so many bad points. 00 / lights out

[21 Jan 2007|02:01pm] i really enjoyed last night, and i sung my heart out. it was immense! it's all changed since i saw him at the phoenix, everyone wants to know him and i can completely understand why, he's a genius. and he interacts with the crowd in a way that hardly anyone ever does, it really opened my eyes, he's a complete inspiration lighthouse keeper and war of the worlds for encore? winner! and i'm glad i dragged my brother along, he enjoyed himself and said he'll come next time too, so i'm really happy about that. so i don't have to ring up people and ask if they'd do me a favour. they never do anyway, so it doesn't matter. i only managed to take one picture (excuse the quality, it's a camera phone) and it's of walter schreifels ..! and it's only just clicked that he was in rival schools, haha. it looks as if we were really far away, but we were quite close actually! then his set ended, and we wet outside to have a smoke and a pint, so we missed jeremy warmsley ..whoops. anyway, if you haven't heard of get cape. wear cape. fly.. here's his lovely myspace get cape. wear cape. fly bye! 02 / lights out

[20 Jan 2007|12:55am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | mika ] i apologise for being a crap livejournal friend, i haven't commented or properly read anyones entries in a long time, this will change, i assure you this week has somewhat been a blur, everything just went by me really quickly without me even noticing a thing. if you asked me what's happened the past few days, i don't even have a clue my thirteen week course finally ended today, which i didn't realise. i was so glad to get out of there, but first i had an argument with the receptonist on our floor, mainly because she's a bastard and wouldn't pay my travel expenses, so i got her told off by the manager guy, oh yes. but then she got me back by paying my travel expenses in change.. richard and john actually thought it was really funny! but i got really irate about it, then richard choked on his coffee and spilt it all over john's new coat, so john wasn't really happy about that! we decided we'd go to oxfam to see how everyone's getting on, 'cos richard and linda have left today too, but it's only john that still has to go back to southcourt, gutted! ..and supposedly, everyone has left oxfam, because esther is a bithcface, which we knew anyway. we then went to buy some lunch (jacket potatoes are lush) and on the way to the bus station, skiing zoe was stood outside cash generator, giving out free balloons, so we sucked out the helium out and acted stupid, basically i'll miss richard and john, especially richard. what a legend. i'll probably see them around, i actually hope i'll see them around! i think i have to go to the job centre, to make an appointment about new deal finishing, but i'll probably do that on monday/tuesday. tomorrow = get cape. wear cape. fly, with my brother. he enjoyed it the last time, when we saw him and lots of other bands at the phoenix, and since no one else wants to come, or enjoys my company, sod 'em. things with chris are back on track, i think. it's still kinda awkward, hence him saying something like "i'm not coming up for a while.. blahblah". so yeah, who can i take to brand new with me? or should i just sell the tickets for a really big nice sum of money and get stupidly drunk from profits. i dunno! ..bye! 04 / lights out

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